Example 4 of 6 · Diary entry

Diary entry example: The Talent Show

An annotated 11+ diary entry about a school talent show that doesn't go to plan, with notes on the hook, humour, feelings, reflection and the ending.

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The task

Write a diary entry about a day when something did not go to plan.

Write in the first person and the past tense.
Show how your feelings change during the day.

Type of task: Diary entry
Suggested time: 30 minutes
Length of this example: About 421 words
Notes: 11 things that earn marks

An example written by Academy11+. It shows what a strong Year 5 or Year 6 writer can produce in about 30minutes. It isn't a real child's work or a real exam paper, and it isn't marked against any one school's mark scheme: the notes explain what markers generally look for.

An example written by Academy11+

The Talent Show

About 421 words. Numbers link to the notes.

Friday 7th March

Dear Diary,1

Today was the most embarrassing, terrifying and – surprisingly – best day2 of my whole life. I still can't quite believe it happened.

It started badly. My alarm didn't go off, so I woke up at 8:15 instead of 7:00 and had to eat my toast in the car while Mum muttered about the traffic. Worse, I realised halfway to school that I had left my music on the kitchen table. Three weeks of practising 'Moonlight Morning' on the keyboard, and the music was at home, next to the cereal box3.

All morning, I couldn't concentrate. In maths, Mr Okafor asked me what seven times eight was and I said 'Thursday'4. The whole class laughed. My best friend Priya kept passing me notes saying YOU'LL BE FINE!!! with lots of hearts, but my stomach felt like it was full of angry bees5.

At two o'clock, we filed into the hall. It smelled of floor polish and nerves.6 First, Ben Harris juggled (he dropped the balls twice, but everyone clapped anyway), then the Year 4 dance group performed. Then Mrs Lowe read out my name, and my legs turned to jelly.

I walked up onto the stage. Two hundred faces stared back at me. I sat down at the keyboard, put my fingers on the keys… and my mind went completely blank7. I couldn't remember the first note. The silence seemed to last forever. Somebody coughed. My cheeks were burning so much I thought they might actually catch fire.

That was when I spotted Priya8 in the second row. She wasn't laughing. She just smiled and mouthed, 'Close your eyes.' So I did. Somehow, without the music and without thinking, my fingers found their way. Slowly at first, then more confidently, 'Moonlight Morning' floated out across the hall. I didn't play every note perfectly, but I played it from the heart.

When I finished, there was a moment of silence. Then the hall exploded with clapping9. Mr Okafor even whistled! I didn't win (the trophy went to the Year 6 choir, who were amazing), but Mrs Lowe gave me a special certificate for 'Courage on Stage'. It's stuck on my wall right now, just above my bed.

Tonight, I've been thinking. This morning I would have given anything to stay at home, and now I'm really glad I didn't. I've learnt that being scared doesn't mean you can't do something; it just means it matters to you10.

Next year, I'm going to do it again. But I'm DEFINITELY setting two alarms11.

Lily

What earns marks

Each number matches a highlighted phrase in the piece.

1
Structure
“Dear Diary,”
Diary features: the date at the top and a greeting. Small things, but they show the writer knows what a diary looks like.
2
Opening
“the most embarrassing, terrifying and – surprisingly – best day”
A hook: a list of three that ends with a surprise. The dashes make the reader pause on "surprisingly" and want to know how a terrible day turned out to be the best.
3
Voice and audience
“next to the cereal box”
A precise, slightly funny detail. It sounds like a real person writing about their own day, which is exactly what a diary should feel like.
4
Voice and audience
“I said 'Thursday'”
Humour shows how distracted Lily is, instead of telling us. It also gives the reader a reason to like her.
5
Vocabulary
“my stomach felt like it was full of angry bees”
A simile for nerves that is fresher than "butterflies in my stomach". Small twists on familiar phrases catch a marker's eye.
6
Description
“It smelled of floor polish and nerves.”
One real smell and one feeling joined together: an unexpected pairing that is short and memorable.
7
Punctuation
“put my fingers on the keys… and my mind went completely blank”
The ellipsis (…) creates a pause just before the worst moment. The short sentences after it slow time right down.
8
Structure
“That was when I spotted Priya”
The turning point gets its own paragraph. A clear structure (problem, worst moment, turning point, result) helps a diary read like a story.
9
Vocabulary
“the hall exploded with clapping”
"Exploded" is a strong verb, much more powerful than "everyone clapped loudly".
10
Punctuation
“being scared doesn't mean you can't do something; it just means it matters to you”
Reflection is what makes a diary more than a list of events. The semicolon joins two closely linked ideas correctly.
11
Ending
“DEFINITELY setting two alarms”
The ending loops back to the alarm at the start and finishes with a joke. A circular ending like this feels neat and planned.

What would make it even better

Even a strong piece can be improved. These are the next steps a marker might suggest.

Capital letters for emphasis (YOU'LL BE FINE, DEFINITELY) suit a diary, but use them sparingly: two is plenty.
Several sentences start with "Then". Swapping one for "Moments later," or "Just as…" would add variety.
A line about what Lily said to Priya afterwards would show their friendship and round off her part in the story.

Your turn

Write a diary entry about the first day of a school trip.

Give yourself 30 minutes, including a few minutes to plan and a few to check.

Start with a hook that hints at how the day went.
Show your feelings through what you did and noticed.
End by reflecting: what did you learn or decide?

Get feedback on your child's story

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Questions about this kind of task

What makes a good 11+ diary entry?

A clear personal voice, events told in order with paragraphs, feelings shown rather than just named, and some reflection on what the day meant. Diary features (the date, "Dear Diary") help, but the writing itself matters far more.

Should a diary entry be in the past or present tense?

Mostly the past tense, because the writer is looking back on the day. It's fine to switch to the present for thoughts "right now" ("It's stuck on my wall right now"), as long as the change is on purpose.

Can a diary entry include speech?

Yes, a little. A short line of speech can bring a key moment to life, as "Close your eyes" does here. Too much speech, though, makes it read like a story rather than a diary.