Example 3 of 6 · Letter

Letter example: A Letter Home

An annotated 11+ letter in role as a World War Two evacuee writing home to Mum, with notes on layout, audience, feelings and the sign-off.

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The task

Imagine you are a child who has been evacuated from London to the countryside at the start of the Second World War. Write a letter home to your family.

Set your letter out correctly.
Tell your family about your journey, where you are staying and how you feel.

Type of task: Letter
Suggested time: 35 minutes
Length of this example: About 460 words
Notes: 11 things that earn marks

An example written by Academy11+. It shows what a strong Year 5 or Year 6 writer can produce in about 35minutes. It isn't a real child's work or a real exam paper, and it isn't marked against any one school's mark scheme: the notes explain what markers generally look for.

An example written by Academy11+

A Letter Home

About 460 words. Numbers link to the notes.

Hollyhock FarmLittle BramptonDevonSunday 10th September 19391

Dear Mum,

I am sorry this letter is so late. You told me to write as soon as I arrived, but so much has happened that this is the first chance I've had to sit down with a pencil. I am safe, I am fed (very well fed!) and I have not lost my gas mask, so please don't worry2.

The train journey took all day. Hundreds of us were squashed into the carriages with labels tied to our coats, like parcels being posted to nowhere3. Joan Parker was sick out of the window near Reading, and little Alfie Brown cried until he fell asleep on my shoulder. I didn't cry, Mum. Well, only a bit, when the station disappeared and I couldn't see your blue hat any more.4

When we arrived in the village, we had to stand in a cold church hall while the grown-ups chose who they wanted. It felt like being at a market.5 One by one, the other children were taken away, until only I was left. My cheeks were burning. Then a tall lady with muddy boots and a kind face marched in, looked at me and said, 'That one will do nicely.'6 That is how I came to live with Mrs Pengelly.

Her farm is the strangest place I have ever seen. There are no buses, no shops and no street lamps. At night it is so dark that you can't see your own hand, and so quiet that I can hear an owl calling from the barn. Instead of the smell of smoke and the river7, there is the smell of hay, cows and (I'm sorry to tell you this) something much worse when the wind blows the wrong way!

I have jobs every morning. I collect the eggs from the hens, who peck my fingers if I'm too slow, and I help to feed Daisy the calf. Mrs Pengelly says I am a natural farmer. I think she might be teasing me, but I've decided to believe her.8

I start at the village school tomorrow. There are only twenty-three children in the whole school, so I expect everyone will stare at the 'London boy'. I'm a bit nervous, but I keep remembering what you said to me on the platform: be brave, be polite and eat your vegetables9.

Please, please write back soon and tell me how you are and whether Dad has written from his ship. Give Tibbles a stroke from me. I think about you every night when I look up at the stars, because I know they are the same stars you can see from our window10.

P.S.11 Mrs Pengelly makes the best apple pie in the world. Don't tell Nan I said so.

All my love,Tommy

What earns marks

Each number matches a highlighted phrase in the piece.

1
Structure
“Sunday 10th September 1939”
Letter layout: the writer's address and the date go at the top right. A date that fits the time in history shows the writer has thought about the setting.
2
Voice and audience
“so please don't worry”
The letter opens by answering what Mum most wants to know: is he safe? Thinking about who is reading (the audience) is one of the main things markers look for in a letter.
3
Vocabulary
“like parcels being posted to nowhere”
A simile that shows how the children felt, not just what they looked like. It's an idea a reader remembers.
4
Voice and audience
“Well, only a bit, when the station disappeared and I couldn't see your blue hat any more.”
Tommy corrects himself, just as a real child might. The small detail of the blue hat says far more about missing Mum than "I was sad".
5
Sentence variety
“It felt like being at a market.”
A short sentence after a long one makes this moment stand out. The comparison shows how upsetting it was to be chosen last.
6
Punctuation
“'That one will do nicely.'”
One line of speech, punctuated correctly inside the letter, brings Mrs Pengelly to life in a few words.
7
Description
“Instead of the smell of smoke and the river”
Contrast between the city and the countryside, using the senses. Knowing that evacuees found the countryside strange shows understanding of the period.
8
Voice and audience
“I think she might be teasing me, but I've decided to believe her.”
A gentle bit of humour that gives Tommy a real personality. A clear, consistent voice keeps a letter from sounding like a list of facts.
9
Vocabulary
“be brave, be polite and eat your vegetables”
A list of three with a funny last item. The colon before it is used correctly to introduce Mum's words.
10
Ending
“they are the same stars you can see from our window”
An emotional ending that links Tommy and his family, even though they are far apart. It leaves the reader with a feeling.
11
Structure
“P.S.”
A P.S. is a natural letter feature, and this one ends on a smile. The informal sign-off ("All my love,") suits a letter to a parent.

What would make it even better

Even a strong piece can be improved. These are the next steps a marker might suggest.

One more detail from the time, such as the blackout curtains or a ration book, would make the 1939 setting even more convincing.
A lot of sentences begin with "I". Starting a few with a time or place ("Every morning, …", "At the farm, …") would add variety.
Asking Mum one or two more questions would make it feel even more like half of a real conversation.

Your turn

Write a letter to a friend who has moved to another country, telling them about the best day of your summer holidays.

Give yourself 35 minutes, including a few minutes to plan and a few to check.

Lay it out with your address, the date, a greeting and a sign-off.
Think about what your friend would want to know.
End with a question or a wish so it sounds like a real letter.

Get feedback on your child's story

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Questions about this kind of task

How should my child lay out a letter in the 11+?

For an informal letter: their address and the date at the top right, a greeting such as "Dear Mum," on the left, paragraphs for each topic, then a sign-off such as "Love from," and their name. A formal letter usually ends "Yours sincerely" (if you know the person's name) or "Yours faithfully" (if you don't). If the task gives an address, use that one.

Is writing a letter in role (as a character) common in the 11+?

Writing in role, as an evacuee, an explorer or a character from a story, is a popular kind of task, because it tests both letter skills and imagination. The key is to stay in role all the way through and to think about who the letter is to.